


Valentine

by TinderWulf



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types
Genre: Bad Pick-Up Lines, F/M, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-28 05:40:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17781614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinderWulf/pseuds/TinderWulf
Summary: Life Post-War was a busy time. As the dreaded holiday of love approaches, Shepard is bombarded with unwanted attention.And perhaps a little attention that she enjoys.





	Valentine

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Valentine's Day guys! I'm not a fan, honestly. The little boy I babysit brought me a gift this morning and I almost cried! It was the absolute sweetest thing ever <3 But anyway, here is a one-shot I made a week or so ago for today. Enjoy!
> 
> * * *

After a long day of meetings, she was eager to get home and fall into bed. Every time she entered her building, she couldn’t help but looking at the furniture store’s catalog to see if they got anything new in. She’d already updated just about everything in her apartment and she was loving the red cabinetry in her kitchen.

With nothing new showing on their terminal, Shepard continued on to the slow as hell elevator after waving at the salarian manning the front desk. He looked a little more frazzled than usual.

With a sigh, she exited the frustrating box as soon as it got to her floor only to be accosted in the hallway by dozens of bouquets.

_Please don’t be for me._ Who was she kidding? The apartment next to her was vacant. With a quiet groan, she checked the message left at her door as soon as her omnitool connected.

* * *

_Shepard, lots of flowers delivered for you. Human holiday of love? Seems like a waste to me. All were scanned by equipment your associate installed for your safety. All cleared. –Savv_

* * *

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” She complained loudly in the empty hallway. How the hell was she going to get all this into her apartment and get to enjoy what little was left of her evening? For fuck’s sake it wasn’t even Valentine’s Day yet! It was a week away! Oh, shit. Did this mean she was going to have to deal with a week of this nonsense?

“Commander?”

Shepard froze. “Sir?” She answered automatically.

“Having a problem?”

She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Can’t you send me out into the field so I can avoid this holiday?”

“I’m afraid being on medical leave doesn’t allow going into the field,” he answered evenly.

“I’m perfectly fine,” she told him heatedly.

“You punched a reporter.”

“Yeah, well…” She sighed in defeat. “I’ve got nothing to explain that. Are you my new neighbor?”

“Yes,” he answered.

“You’re going to hate it,” she muttered as she bent over and grabbed a handful a gifts. “Glyph, open the door and leave it open.”

The door opened, the little blue orb appearing. “Of course, Commander.”

“You’re the only Valentine I need, Glyph,” she told the VI in the same voice she talked to Urz with.

“Thank you, Commander. Would you like me to download a romantic software upgrade to celebrate the human holiday?”

Shepard snorted. She was sure she heard a muffled laugh, but Admiral Hackett didn’t have humor. “No.”

She didn’t know how many trips she made in and out of her door with gifts. Only that her commanding officer continued to watch at his own door.

“Most men would trip over themselves to help me,” she groused.

“I’m not most men,” he answered with a smirk.

“No fucking shit,” she returned before loosing a grunt as she hefted a somewhat heavy crate. “This better be weapons or armor.”

“You don’t like flowers?” He asked when she returned to the hall for another load.

“No.”

“I hope you don’t mind, I read a few of the card pads that came with them.”

“Read any important ones?” She asked him, not one bit bothered with the invasion of privacy. If she’d been seeing anyone that would be different.

“Some are…vulgar. Others sound like stalkers. But there are one or two from children,” he answered as he continued to watch her.

“Super,” she breathed. How the hell did they find out where she lived? “I blame all this on you, Admiral.”

“Me? How is this my fault?’ He asked, surprise lacing his tone.

“ _You_ put me forward as Spectre. I’d have been just fine being a nobody.”

“Perhaps, but then we’d all be dead.”

“But…I wouldn’t have to deal with this shit _every time_ a human holiday came around.”

“You’d choose death over being admired?” He asked, a smirk forming. That was the closest to a smile she’d ever seen on him.

“Spirits yes,” she whined. “Would you please help me so I can strip? I just want to be lazy so bad right now.”

“All you had to do was ask, Shepard.” She took a calming breath before exhaling slowly. He made her ask for help instead of just helping? “You aren’t above asking for help are you, Spectre?”

“I’m really disliking having a neighbor right now,” she muttered, his rough chuckle followed. “Glyph, mark the date: Admiral Hackett laughed for the first time in my presence!”

“Date and note marked, Commander. Would you like to mark each date the Admiral finds something humorous?”

“Yes!”

Once they’d brought all the gifts into the foyer, Shepard sighed in relief. She was just going to leave them until the Admiral began reading the cards aloud.

“Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by you again?” _Lame_ she thought with a groan. “Want to roleplay the Relay 314 and make me your willing captive?” She snorted. That was definitely a turian. Hackett continued, “I was wondering if you had an extra heart because mine was just stolen.”

“Krogan,” she said with a soft chuckle.

“If you were a blaster on _Galaxy of Fantasy_ , you’d be set to stun.”

“Jeez that’s awful,” she said as she plopped down into a chair to unlace her boots.

“Is your name Extranet? Because you’re everything I’ve been searching for.” Hackett chuckled. “That one wasn’t too bad.”

“I beg to differ, techie.”

“I seem to have lost my omnicode, can I have yours?” Shepard snorted again, that one was horribly played out. “Hi, my name is Shepard VI. Can I crash at your place tonight?” Shepard’s laughter was loud. “Now who’s the techie?” The Admiral asked with a smirk.

“Oh, hush, but keep reading,” she told him as she slipped off her boots and closed her eyes.

“The stalker-like ones I’m having EDI trace and keep an eye on,” he told her as he set them aside. The vulgar ones I’ll leave you to read on your own.”

“M’kay,” she mumbled tiredly.

“When do I get my goddam booty call, daft bitch?” Hackett groaned. “I should have pre-read it first.”

“Glyph, message Zaeed for me and tell him I’m on the Citadel now and I expect a bottle of Serrice Ice and a back massage.”

“Really, Massani?”

“Why not, I’ve got stress and it needs relieved or I go around punching reporters that make snide comments about the people that have served me loyally.”

His brow was raised when she opened her eyes at his silence. She could see the gears turning in his eyes before he nodded. “Understandable. But you’re still on medical and you still have to talk to Kelly.”

“Why do you hate me so much?”

“You can do better than a bounty hunter,” he told her as he collected a stack of cards. “I left the vulgar ones and the ones from children in separate stacks.”

“How the hell am I supposed to thank kids?”

“Almost all of the people that sent you something left their omnicode attached. Also, that crate is from Zaeed and I almost guarantee it’s something up your alley.”

“We agreed to only screw around on occasion. I did not agree to gifts from a booty call,” she complained.

“In my experience, though it’s been a long time, the best booty calls get the gifts,” Hackett told her. Her eyes were closed but she could hear the humor in his voice. “I guess that makes you a Lioness.”

Shepard groaned, it was a day for that it seemed. “Does this mean any non-human I’ve had sex with in the near past is going to smother me with gifts? Please say no.”

Hackett chuckled roughly.

“Date and note marked, Commander,” Glyph interrupted. Shepard just smiled. She adored that little VI.

“I don’t like your VI.” Hackett grumbled.

“Glyph, go ahead and download the romance software,” Shepard told him. “You’ve earned it.”

“My thanks, Commander. A message from Zaeed has come in, would you like me to read it?”

“Yes.”

“Shepard, can’t come fuck that spectacular ass of yours. Slept with the wrong goddam asari and now I’ve got an STD. My cock hurts. Call me in a month,” Glyph finished. Shepard was in tears. Whether it was picturing Zaeed with an STD or Glyph reading such words, she didn’t know.

“Glyph,” Shepard wheezed. “Tell Zaeed I’ll call him when Karin clears him.”

“When your gentlemen aren’t available, what do you do for stress relief?” Hackett asked her.

“Find a new one,” she answered as she stood and stretched. “You hungry? Let’s go grab something to eat.”

* * *

Every day leading up to the stupid holiday, Shepard came home to a hallway filled with gifts. Some were unique and pretty damn awesome. Most were the generic flowers and chocolate. It had gotten so bad that she called in reinforcements to help arrange the bouquets in new vases and deliver them across the Citadel.

All the cards were ridiculous pickup lines with the persons omnitool attached. She had EDI sent a generic thank you message from a fake account set up just for this. The children got an official message from her Spectre account, which couldn’t be replied to. Shepard thought it would make the kids feel pretty awesome.

The vulgar ones were ignored, and the stalker slash creepy ones went into EDI’s tracking database.

With her coffee in hand, she finally set about to open the crate Zaeed had sent. The old merc was unpredictable on a good day so she’d been putting it off just in case it was something as perverted as the man himself.

“Commander, Admiral Hackett is at the door.”

“Let him in, Glyph,” she ordered as she set her coffee aside and flipped the locks on the crate.

“Your deliveries have started,” he told her as he entered the apartment with an armful of flowers.

Shepard groaned. “It’s not even eight in the morning!”

“Just get a list from the front desk. Rearrange the flowers and give them to the elderly in the building.”

“This is all your fault,” She grumbled. She had to blame someone, right? And he did have a big part in pushing her name forward. “You get to help.” She opened the lid of the crate before addressing Glyph. “Glyph, message the front desk and ask for a list of elderly and single parents please.”

“He sent you a box of sex toys?” Hackett asked, his voice humored and surprised.

“I’ll kill him,” she muttered. “Who the hell needs a dildo this big?”

“Krogan?” Hackett answered.

“Contrary to rumors, Krogan are not hung like horses.”

“And you would know how?” She arched a brow at him. “Never mind.”

“Let’s transfer all this to another crate and send it back to him,” she said with a mischievous smirk. “Oh,” she whispered when she spotted a rather fun looking vibrator. “I think I’ll keep this one. And maybe this one.”

“Seriously?”

“What? There’s no shame in self-pleasure.” She spied a meld-on. She’d always wanted to try one. “And this one. The rest can go back.”

“What are you going to do with a fake penis, Shepard?” Hackett asked as he began moving objects.

“Never been pegged, Admiral?”

“Can’t say that I have.”

“I’ve never done it either but it sounds fun,” she admitted.

Once they’d finished, she paged a delivery service and moved the crate to the hall before her and Hackett brought in the rest of the gifts that had already arrived. They worked in silence as they arranged bouquets in the many vases that had come from earlier gifts. It was rather relaxing.

A few reinforcements began to show, all carrying more gifts they found in the hall. It was ridiculous. Shepard wished people hadn’t spent their hard earned credits on them.

“This one is from Sparatus, Shep,” Kasumi told her.

“Leave the ones from people I actually know for me to read myself, please,” Shepard told them as she grabbed the gift and card and moved to the kitchen. This one wasn’t a flower per se. It was a potted plant. Maybe it bloomed? She didn’t know. She also didn’t know if she was going to be able to keep the plant alive. As it was, her fish had been replaced numerous times in her fish tank.

“Want more coffee?” Hackett asked as he stepped in behind her. He’d made himself right at home.

“Yes, please. Maybe we should order breakfast.”

“I already have,” he replied as he set a cup in front of her. “I didn’t realize you and Sparatus got along.”

“We don’t which is why this surprises me.” The card didn’t reveal anything. There were no horrible lines or flirting. Just a simple, _Happy Valentine’s Day._ “Am I cleared to participate in the arena? I’ve got a couple matches tonight I forgot about.”

“I think it should be fine,” he answered. “Charity?”

“Nah, just stress relief,” she said easily. “Want to join?”

“Maybe. Let’s get through this shit-storm first,” he teased with a nod to the flowers Kasumi and Kelly were arranging.

While the women were out giving out the arrangements, Shepard and Hackett set up breakfast and dug in. She was starving. The women came in smiling with a few strangers that were willing to help out _The Commander Shepard_ by delivering flowers. Shepard played the part with smiles and fake chuckles, and of course telling them thank you.

“Ugh, I hate people,” she complained when she sat back down next to Hackett after the four had left again.

“I noticed.”

“I like you, no unnecessary chatter or stupid questions…”

“Thanks?”

“You’re welcome,” she told him with a smile.

Once the women, and their helpers, had delivered all that Shepard had, leaving several gifts behind, they took their leave. Their helpers were taking them out to eat. With Hackett cleaning up breakfast, Shepard made her way to the bar to look at the gifts from people she knew.

\--

_-Happy Valentine’s Day, Siha. – Feron_

_-I wasn’t sure if this human holiday was one you celebrate. In fact, I don’t understand it at all. But I thought I’d participate anyway. Happy Whatever, Aria._

_\- I hope you like chocolate. Flowers seem to be popular, but it doesn’t seem right to just cut them. Happy Valentine’s Day, Shepard. – Tevos_

 

When she got to the last crate, another cup of coffee appeared. “You trying to get me jittery so I punch another report for merely breathing?” The cup disappeared. “Wait, I was kidding!” The cup reappeared, his soft chuckle tickling her ear.

“Date and note marked, Commander,” Glyph stated from the balcony.

“Anything good?” He asked as he stood behind the bar sipping his own black java.

“Chocolate, a potted flower from Kahje, and Aria sent me a location of a merc group trying to cause problems with supply lines.”

“Romantic,” he said with a smirk.

“She knows I love a good fight.”

Opening the crate, she swung the lid open. “A Widow? Fully modded? Somebody deserves a kiss,” Shepard whispered as she ran her fingers over the cold metal. She plucked the card peeking out from the foam next to modded ammo. This set up had to cost a fortune! She ignored Hackett as he rounded the bar and opened the box of chocolates before taking a seat next to her.

\- _You must be exhausted, you’ve been running through my mind all day._

_\- I may not be a photographer, but I can totally picture us together._

_\- You must be a magician, because when I see you everyone else disappears._

_\- I think you’re suffering from a lack of vitamin ME._

_\- If you were words on a datapad, you’d be the fine print._

_\- I’m writing a report on the fine things in life. I was wondering if I could interview you._

_\- And my personal favorite bad pickup line: I want our love to be like Pi, irrational and never ending._

_It’s been quite interesting this last week, far more enjoyable than I expected. Definitely more surprising. You are a unique woman. I’ve always thought so of you professionally, I just never thought it extended to privately until I spent time with you this week. I look forward to consuming all of your off-duty time, if you’ll have me.  
Yours, Admiral Steven Hackett_

\--

“Who knew horrible pickup lines worked?” She said as she sat the card aside and stepped between his knees.

“Do they?” He asked, his hands lightly gripping her hips.

“Hell yes they do. Now here’s what’s going to happen: You’re going to go home and armor up,” she ordered with a chaste kiss. “We’re going to the arena so I can see how the legend battles.”

“That so?”

“Yes,” she said with a smile before giving him another quick, chaste kiss and pulling away before he could deepen it. “Then we’re going to come home and have after-battle sex until we collapse from exhaustion.”

“I like that plan.”

“I thought you might. Now go before we end up in my bed before I get to test out this amazing gift my Valentine gave me.”

“Does this mean you’re going to give up the STD ridden bounty hunter?” He inquired as he stood.

“Well, duh. He’s never got me anything this good,” she teased. “I _can_ be a one man kind of woman.”

“Good.”

“It’s because of the meld-on I kept, isn’t it?” She asked sweetly. His chuckle was rough as he shook his head and pulled her against him.

“Date and note marked, Commander,” Glyph zoomed in and informed her making Hackett roll his eyes.

“Glyph, how many times have I made the Admiral laugh in the last week?”

“Eighteen, Commander,” Glyph answered.

“Sounds like a challenge to me,” she whispered just before his lips met hers in a soft, open-mouth kiss.

“I’ll inform the front desk that you’ve chosen your Valentine, Commander,” Glyph commented making both humans laugh.

“Date and note marked, Commander,” Glyph repeated, even though it was technically not her win.


End file.
